i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
