just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
