Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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