so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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