Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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