Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
