shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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