i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
