My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
