if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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