I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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