I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
