Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
