I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
