i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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