Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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