the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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