my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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