listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's blow job season.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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