I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
