I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
