Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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