She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
only you would photoshop your dick
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
