i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
