So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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