You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
