I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
