I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize