Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
