i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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