that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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