I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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