Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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