I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
