Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
false alarm. still invincible.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize