i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
