When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
