decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize