my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
