3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
