I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
