Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
