You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize