theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You ruined the universe
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize