Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
