Betty ford says i'm here all night
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
