he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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