I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
