You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
