i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
