I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
