With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize