she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize