either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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