you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she peed on how many people?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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