i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
