Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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