i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
