all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
