turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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