If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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