no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I am available for nakedness
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
