My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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