i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
