I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
