you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
