what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Can Purell be used as lube?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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