im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
