i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
