If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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