I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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