thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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