I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
