I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
